"Heady" McGuire and Carla

Look carefully at BOTH of their heads...... they are strangely deformed aren't they! I can't look at it..... its like an eclipse and I might go blind, but at the same time i am transfixed by it. Heady looks like John So, and Carla looks like an Alien with a enormous chin. I'm scared. I hope they haven't spawned a child yet.....

Band Crowd Ettiquette

Why do people that go and see their "favourite" bands insist on jumping around like Jock's on Speed whilst body slamming and jumping on their fellow band lovers? I don't see the logic. You pay over 100 bucks to see a band these days and these fuck head "moshers" fight and trample you to get to the front and when they do they carry on like they are about to blow a 5 year old load. What pisses me off even more is those asshole crowd surfers that have their dirty long hair out and army shorts on and steel capped boots when they decide to land on your fucking head. Do what i do people... if one is coming your way, push towards the lil fuck, get as close as you can and punch their balls. You still might have them land on your head, but least you get the satisfaction that the rest of their crowd surf they are in agony and are squeeling like skinned pigs. If it catches on and we all do the ball-punch, crowd surfers could be eradicated forever. Get on it people!

Public Displays of Affection

People should keep their grubby litttle hands and dirty tongues to themselves when in Public. Why do couples insist on fondling each other pornographically while im trying to eat. Just yesterday i saw an obese couple going at it at the traffic lights. They were rubbing their sweaty bodies all over each other and trying in vain to get their meaty arms around the other. It was disgusting and every man and his dog at that unfortunate intersection is now scarred for life. All i can say is get a fucking room biatches...

Elvis Impersonators

No one does the King like the King, and certainly these "Elvis Tribute Artists" leave a lot to be desired. I reckon there are hundreds of misguided old souls out there who are literally making Elvis turn in his grave. Just because you can gyrate your hips and sweat up a storm in a jumpsuit does not give you permission to systematically ruin every song ever crooned by the King. I would like to know why all Elvis imposters only do old "heartattack waiting to happen" Elvis and not young "heart throb" Elvis?
Also, please explain why women, old men and asians think that they have the right to desicrate the memory of our King. All i can say is WHOA

Feet

Feet are hideous, smelly, dirty things. They have got to be the worst part of the human anatomy and i am yet to find a pair of feet that dont make me gag. I often wonder how people have foot fetishes and like to spurt whipped cream all over someone elses toe jam and lick it off. Why cant feet just always be covered in socks and become "privates" so that i dont have to see the boney, yellow little fellas. Check out the Gangrene and the Gout that can happen to feet. Just fucken chop off both of your feet and walk around on stumps like im planning to do.

Scrunchies

I always associate Ranga's and scrunchies? I don't know why but they always go hand in hand. Do they get a lifetime supply at birth or something? Because you and I both know, that when you see scrunchie.... you see Ranga.

PJ O'Briens

After visiting this establishment yesterday, nursing a dirty hangover and perusing through the menu whilst salivating, I ordered the "Irish Coddle"..... the irish equivalent of "bangers and mash".... or so i thought. After waiting ever so patiently for 25 fucking mins (a lifetime when hungover)... i was served BOILED GREY SAUSAGES and chopped potatoes... certainly not bangers and mash! After inspecting what i had in front of me, my hangover took control and off i went chowing down this "coddle" like a rabid dog, washing it down with a post mix coke. Ah, it wasn't that bad.. boiled grey sausages never hurt anyone i thought- stupid fucking me. Well.... they hurt alright...OMG.... i have been on the SHITTER since 3am this morning...... i can't even drink water, my gut aches and i want to KEEL OVER AND DIE. Damn you PJ O'Briens... DAMN YOU TO HELL AND YOUR IRISH CODDLE. May it be know to all the PJ O'Briens and its Coddle are just plain WRONG.. not only did you make me wait, but you made me suffer! (and what kind of a word is "Coddle" anyway...i should have know better).

Suri

The last time i looked, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes weren't asian. So why is their kid? Its all very suspicious to me that the child has been kept in the dark until now. Maybe it has been lying in a drain in Calcutta until yesterday when it miraculously became Suri Cruise hyphen Holmes.

Nikki Webster

Ranga - Fanta Pants, whatever the fuck you are, you promote 2 things to me... anorexia and paedophilia. What the hell is that strawberry kisses song all about anyway? A reference to those "goldilocks" of yours? Or a metaphor for kissing your pink bits? Oh Nikki.... what has happened to you? I cant wait to see pics of you snorting lines off the chest of Dieter Brummer... because Nikki, it will happen...... we all know it will.

Warwick Capper

When i think of Warwick Capper my first response is to laugh uncontrollably, The bottle blonde, pink ferrari driving swans superstar has made a mockery of himself over the last 20 years. Who could forget celebrity Big Bro when Warwick was escorted form the compund for indecent exposure, or the broken nose 2 weeks after surgery when his director knocked him out. What about his foray into council work that ended so abruptly. Warwick is like a caricature of himself. A really bad one at that.